Back from the abyss March 5, 2008

It’s been a long time since I’ve written, and my apologies to those (Mom) who regularly check. I’m sorry to have disappointed everyone, and I promise I’ll try better in the future to keep this more updated.

 Since I have last written, the following things have happened: Boppa passed away, the wedding got moved to September, and the wedding also got moved to Oklahoma. Of course, the second two were a result of the first.

 Now that you’re up to date..

There’s so much I want to say sometimes, and I just can’t quite get the words out. It’s not that I’m incapable of it–I know I can write as well as the next person. My problem is that I don’t know how much I truly want to share some of this, and I feel that a lot of it might come out a jumbled and confused. But oh well, I say. I’m just going to write. If it’s a mess, I won’t apologize. Call it ”raw writing” if you’d like.

Anyway, my life recently has been dominated by both Boppa’s death and the upcoming marriage, with the usual servings of job stress and other issues both good and bad on the side. Boppa passed on January 17th, and since then life has been a whirlwind. I’ve had good days and bad days in regards to my coping mechanisms, and I don’t doubt that I’ll continue to have both for a long, long time. The last two weeks for whatever reason have been particularly hard, and I’ve found myself struggling to come to terms with how my life has changed. Often, I’ve been finding myself having dreams that involve him, including one that I truly believe was him coming down to let me know he’s okay.

I think this all started two Sundays ago. Boppa always knew everything. Everything. And if maybe he didn’t in fact know everything, then he certainly fooled the world! But that was always one thing I truly adored about him: I could ask him so many random questions, and he always had an answer or at least an incredibly good guess. I used to store up questions in my head that I would then ask him at a later date. In early December as I was about to leave Oklahoma to visit him and Grandma, I realized I had one such question. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would know the answer to it. Unfortunately, I forgot about asking the question during the visit and never had a chance to ask him and get the answer.

Well, on Sunday Jake and I were driving and we happened to go past the airport. It was when we were driving past that I realized that I still had this unanswered question, and I was devastated. It broke my heart, not so much because I won’t be able to find out the answer, but because I won’t be able to have the opportunity to ask him anything again. Time is up for this, at least until we meet again someday (and I probably won’t need him to answer questions then–in Heaven, I’m really hoping to discover where Hoffa is buried).

Since the incident that Sunday, I’ve had a few other flare-ups. I’ve gone to bed in tears more than a few times, I’ve had a few dreams (including the one I already mentioned), I’ve broken down in church at the word “grieve,” and I’ve found it incredibly hard to discuss my grandpa, where usually it’s not so hard to let people know that he passed away. I guess this is just one of those bumps in the road for me during my grieving process, but I can’t help it: I miss him so much it’s physically painful sometimes. Combine this with my typical allergies and recent cold, and I’m starting to think I should invest in some Puffs Facial Tissue stock.

Anyway, this whole thing has made planning a wedding very bittersweet. Sometimes I’m having fun dreaming up ideas for the wedding, but other times I just want to curl up into a ball and not do anything for it.

I guess that’s all I feel like writing for now. It’s so emotionally draining to think about all this sometimes, and writing isn’t much better right now. Again, I’ll try to do better and keep this more updated.

Saints and Wedding Days October 25, 2007

I went to a wedding between two acquaintances this past weekend. While I knew both the bride and groom through a mutual friend, I had never really spent any good quality time with them. But this mutual friend was a bridesmaid, and I ended up a guest at the nuptials (and yes, I did give a gift!). It was a pretty affair, and it was fun to get back into a Catholic church and sink myself into the familiarity of the whole thing. Jake and I have discussed going to church again, but as with most things people talk about we have not yet stepped foot into a sanctuary together. This ceremony was a bit of a kick in the pants for me in this regard. I was overly emotional throughout the whole service, and with present circumstances I don’t think it would be a bad idea to get a fire going under our butts and get ourselves to church!

Anyway, now that I’ve completely drifted in another direction than I intended, I want to steer myself back on course with what I meant to discuss in this blog. Last week I realized that I had absolutely no clue where the church was that I had to be at on Saturday. So I took a quick break from work, hopped on the internet, and a quick search led me right to the church’s website (which, thankfully, included “We are located at the intersection of ___ and ___.”). As I was browsing, I came across a link on their page talking about Saints and their days. I’ll be the first to admit that I had fun clicking around on this page, and with all this wedding stuff (the one I went to, plus the beginning planning of my own) floating around in my brain I wondered what Saint’s day I would be getting married on.

We’re tentatively planning to tie the knot on June 14, 2008. If we do, we’ll be marrying on Saint Methodius of Constantinople’s day. He died in 847 BC, started a monastery, and greatly opposed iconoclasts. Now if we choose to marry on June 15, 2008, we would be saying our vows on  the day of Saint Aleydis. After suffering from leprocy most of her life, she died in 1250.

So does it matter to anyone what Saint’s day it is when they marry? My parents married on the day of Saint Clare of Assisi, a close friend of Saint Francis of Assisi and the Patron Saint of Embroidery, among other things (Mom, you should take up embroidering! …hehe). My grandparents married on Saint Natalia’s day. Personally, for me it really doesn’t make a difference whose day it is. But to some it might, and I suppose I can understand that. But the Saints were all holy people, and that’s enough for me.

I think this blog might be turning into a marriage blog. Please bear with me because I don’t doubt there will be many more posts pertaining to it. But I promise to sprinkle tidbits of other things in between all this.

Let the planning begin! October 22, 2007

As most of those reading my blog know from a previous post, I got engaged about a month and a half ago. Due to not being able to know when my new fiance would be able to take vacation in the year 2008, we really had no earthly idea when this planned marriage would ultimately take place.

Cue now: Last week we figured out that our most-likely date is going to be June 14th (and, of course, this will only be confirmed once something for this date is officially booked and money put down.. no going back!). So in other words.. let the planning begin.

I’ve already got the dress, so at least that’s out of the way! I love it, it fits well (though I’ve lost about three to four pounds since trying it on, so hopefully this trend continues because I will be MORE THAN HAPPY to require it be taken in!). But now comes everything else: Engagement photos, save the date cards, booking an actual location, getting a good photographer, picking out flowers and hiring a florist, deciding on a cake, figuring out what to do about food, what about music? ARGH! So much to do! And on top of all this, I need to keep this whole thing as cheap as possible.

Luckily, I think I’m on the right track.. at least I hope so! My darling friend Donna has agreed to take engagement pictures two weekends from now. She’s not a professional, but she’s good, she’s cheap, and I’m really looking forward to it! I just couldn’t justify spending hundreds of dollars on engagement pictures. I’d rather save that money for the wedding photography. So that’s going to be set soon, and I can use the pictures for Save the Date cards. I think I really need these cards because we’re having an out-of-town wedding, so people need to make travel arrangements well in advance. I’ve found a few websites, and I think postcards will be the way to go–they’re cheaper, no need for envelopes, and less money spent on postage! The one thing related to this is the guest list, which at this point I have NO clue what to do with. I think Mom and I are just going to have to sit down–probably on the phone or online–and hash this out as best we can (psst–Mom: I know you’re reading this! Let me know!).

 Yesterday I told Jake that I wanted him to be in charge of picking a first-dance song. He was absolutely thrilled, and within minutes was already talking out loud about ideas. I think he loves the fact that he’s in charge of something really important, but at the same time it’s relatively easy and fun.

What else.. I have my two bridesmaids set, I believe I have the colors picked out, and so that should be pretty smooth sailing (and fun). I haven’t really given much thought to cakes and very little to flowers, but that will eventually come with time. I’ve decided that for decor, candles will be the way to go. They’re cheap, pretty, and will fit in well with the whole Arizona wedding thing. Plus I’m just really not into the foofoo white and pink stuff with the orchids and the marble pebbles and the big bows on chairs.. you get the idea. I’m just not cut out for the cutesy girly stuff, nor am I cut out for all the damn crafts! Forget it! I’m not a do-it-yourself kind of person unless it involves something ridiculously easy that takes all of ten minutes. And the cute little poems placed on everything from the sign-in table to the cake table to the baskets in the bathroom holding some tampons and hairspray? I’m sorry… but the following is just not me:

So happy you’re here to share in our special day,
But should something happen to go astray,
Please help yourself to the contents within,
Wet wipe, hand lotion, and even aspirin!
Take what you need and leave the rest,
It may be useful to another guest.
So repair the damage that has been done,
Then hurry back and join the fun!

Umm.. yeah. If I need a tampon, I need a tampon. And if I need one at a wedding, I probably don’t have the time to sit around reading some little poem about how I should only take one so the next person in dire need can have one too. I’m more of the straightforward type: “Wedding guests, take a maxi pad! Take a Tylenol! They’re here for you!” The sign-in table is self-explanatory, but if a sign is required it will simply say, “Thank you for being here! We really appreciate it.” And a cake is a cake, people. Want a sign? “EAT ME.” (hehe.. yes, I’m cracking myself up)

We’ll see how this whole wedding thing pans out. Honestly, I am having fun thinking of possibilities and searching for good ideas. But in the long run? I’m marrying this absolutely amazing man who loves me whole-heartedly. And I love him. So really, what else matters?