Back from the abyss March 5, 2008

It’s been a long time since I’ve written, and my apologies to those (Mom) who regularly check. I’m sorry to have disappointed everyone, and I promise I’ll try better in the future to keep this more updated.

 Since I have last written, the following things have happened: Boppa passed away, the wedding got moved to September, and the wedding also got moved to Oklahoma. Of course, the second two were a result of the first.

 Now that you’re up to date..

There’s so much I want to say sometimes, and I just can’t quite get the words out. It’s not that I’m incapable of it–I know I can write as well as the next person. My problem is that I don’t know how much I truly want to share some of this, and I feel that a lot of it might come out a jumbled and confused. But oh well, I say. I’m just going to write. If it’s a mess, I won’t apologize. Call it ”raw writing” if you’d like.

Anyway, my life recently has been dominated by both Boppa’s death and the upcoming marriage, with the usual servings of job stress and other issues both good and bad on the side. Boppa passed on January 17th, and since then life has been a whirlwind. I’ve had good days and bad days in regards to my coping mechanisms, and I don’t doubt that I’ll continue to have both for a long, long time. The last two weeks for whatever reason have been particularly hard, and I’ve found myself struggling to come to terms with how my life has changed. Often, I’ve been finding myself having dreams that involve him, including one that I truly believe was him coming down to let me know he’s okay.

I think this all started two Sundays ago. Boppa always knew everything. Everything. And if maybe he didn’t in fact know everything, then he certainly fooled the world! But that was always one thing I truly adored about him: I could ask him so many random questions, and he always had an answer or at least an incredibly good guess. I used to store up questions in my head that I would then ask him at a later date. In early December as I was about to leave Oklahoma to visit him and Grandma, I realized I had one such question. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would know the answer to it. Unfortunately, I forgot about asking the question during the visit and never had a chance to ask him and get the answer.

Well, on Sunday Jake and I were driving and we happened to go past the airport. It was when we were driving past that I realized that I still had this unanswered question, and I was devastated. It broke my heart, not so much because I won’t be able to find out the answer, but because I won’t be able to have the opportunity to ask him anything again. Time is up for this, at least until we meet again someday (and I probably won’t need him to answer questions then–in Heaven, I’m really hoping to discover where Hoffa is buried).

Since the incident that Sunday, I’ve had a few other flare-ups. I’ve gone to bed in tears more than a few times, I’ve had a few dreams (including the one I already mentioned), I’ve broken down in church at the word “grieve,” and I’ve found it incredibly hard to discuss my grandpa, where usually it’s not so hard to let people know that he passed away. I guess this is just one of those bumps in the road for me during my grieving process, but I can’t help it: I miss him so much it’s physically painful sometimes. Combine this with my typical allergies and recent cold, and I’m starting to think I should invest in some Puffs Facial Tissue stock.

Anyway, this whole thing has made planning a wedding very bittersweet. Sometimes I’m having fun dreaming up ideas for the wedding, but other times I just want to curl up into a ball and not do anything for it.

I guess that’s all I feel like writing for now. It’s so emotionally draining to think about all this sometimes, and writing isn’t much better right now. Again, I’ll try to do better and keep this more updated.