Trying to find some peace December 4, 2007

You know, every year I look forward to the holidays. There’s something about this time of year that feels magical to me: eating tons of fabulous food and not feeling at all guilty about it, shopping for the perfect presents, having an excuse to get gaudy with little colored lights, and celebrating traditions with family and friends. I’ve always been a fan of Thanksgiving and Christmas, but it seems this year it’s been tough getting it kicked off properly.

 Even though I know I need to be thankful for my blessings, I have to admit I feel a little bit cheated. This is my first holiday season with Jake, and considering his record of crappy Christmases, I’m trying to give him the best he’s ever had. I think I’m doing okay so far because I can tell how happy he is. I’m so happy with him as well, and when we’re together it’s an amazing feeling. Unfortunately there are so many other things that are making this difficult.

 The day before Thanksgiving a man named Ray died of a brain aneurysm while on the road between LA and Vegas. I neve knew him personally–he worked at the radio station, and moved to LA very shortly before I went to work at the station. Nevertheless, I had spoken to him on the phone once briefly, and he was more or less a legend up there. He was 49.

The day after Thanksgiving was another blow. Martha, a woman who had been coming up to The Jack and Ron Show for years, finally lost her fight with cancer. She’s battled acute leukemia for two years, and I know the end was rough. She too was 49-years-old, and left behind a husband and son. I went to the funeral, which was devastating. Martha was an incredible person who undoubtedly left a huge mark on humanity. She will be missed, and the saying “Only the good die young” was created just for her I think.

A day or so after that, the brother of a woman who does some screening coverage for myself and the other movie whores was shot to death. Based on the way the situation played out, there’s little doubt that this was not a random crime. My heart and prayers go out to Rocky and her family because I cannot imagine to lose someone so close and in such an awful way.

 That leads us up to today. I’m in Arizona visiting my grandparents (the explanation of this whole mess will follow), and Michelle called me on their home phone. This raises some alarms as she would only call me here if something of huge importance (or a massive problem) happened. Of course, some of it was work-related, but the other part of it was that Mark, a man I had worked with at the radio station, put a gun to his head this morning. I was stunned to say the least, and this has really bothered me quite a bit. While I never considered Mark to be the nicest man on the planet by any stretch of the imagination, I did have a good working relationship with him, which is more than a lot of people could say. I treated him with kindness, and even though it took a while, he eventually returned the favor with me. I appreciated that, and in many ways I’d like to think that he did too. To hear that he had chosen to die rather than suffer through a Monday morning was shocking, and I wish there could have been a way to prevent this.  It saddens me so much to know that a life was wasted today.

While these deaths are troubling, the other problem with the holidays this year is that cancer has taken a lot of joy from my family. My Boppa is still battling, and I admire him deeply for managing to stay strong through this ordeal he’s been put through. However, it breaks my heart at the same time. He’s always been such a strong person in my life (both mentally and physically), and to see him struggling to even stand up, let alone walk, is one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. I know the rest of the family feels the same way. It’s amazing the things I’ve always taken for granted, such as my grandpa being able to walk into a room. We went to a restaurant today, and one year ago I wouldn’t have thought anything of walking through the door with my grandparents. Today, I was wishing we had that simple thing back–not because I mind helping (I love helping), but because if we were able to waltz in there, then I would know that my Boppa wasn’t in the pain he’s in now.

I guess I should probably wrap this up. I needed to get some of that off my chest. It’s funny how things in the present make you remember small, once insignificant things in the past. I remember the last time I saw Martha. I ran into her by the milk in the back of Wal-Mart. It had been lovely to see her, and I’ll cherish that three minutes of my life that happened probably a year ago. The last time I saw Mark was just a few weeks ago outside the radio station. We didn’t say much aside from the usual pleasantries, but I remember him smiling. Even if it was just out of politeness, that’s something I’ll remember too.

 My apologies if I’m all over the place with this blog–I just needed to get this off my chest. Despite this all, I’m still going to work hard to give Jake the best Christmas he’s had. It’s the first of many, and I can’t wait to see where it all leads.